Excerpt from Journal entry, June 20 Saturday ~ New York
The screeching of the J train is jarring to my ears, reminding me that I am not quite ready to wake up and be in this world of New York’s hustle and bustle. My daughter and I are on the subway heading to meet up with my son and daughter-in-law in the heart of New York City. Masses of people are everywhere. I notice a young woman with heavy make-up sitting to our left on the bench. With earphones in, she is sitting there crying—muddy tears tainted with mascara flowing down her cheeks.
Having lived in Brooklyn for a few years, my daughter begins to educate me in correct subway conduct. She explains “subway voice”—meaning it is considerate to lower one’s voice when talking in a subway car. Then there is the backpack issue. Once, I almost took someone out by turning too quickly, my backpack swinging around to hit the person right behind me. Thus I am reminded, it is vital to sit with things on my lap or between my legs.
And then there is the big rule—you don’t engage. Perhaps a quick flash of a smile as a thank you for someone moving to create space for you. No words, no eye contact, no engagement. Questions are okay, as New Yorkers proudly enjoy sharing knowledge on how to get around this vast city. Otherwise, engagement pops the bubbles of space that surround each person. This bubble of silence—a space suit of sorts—is what allows everyone to live in this crowded, demanding city. People thirst for privacy and a few moments of solace before moving out into the mass beehives on the street above.
Carefully creating our standards based on what we enjoy and don’t enjoy around communication, we create an invisible bubble. The list is long and narrow. We talk about politics only if we agree, it’s okay or not okay to share feelings, one is suppose to ask about your family first or be direct in asking for a favor, talk about sports or the weather, it’s okay to text while talking, it’s not okay to text… the list goes on and on.
Of course there are many cultural, racial, and regional differences that are important to be honored. But I am speaking more of the bubble we put up during an encounter with a stranger. If someone crosses the line, we are quick to judge. Glancing away to ignore someone’s comment or a delivering few sharp words put them back into their place—that is how we let someone know there is a line and YOU JUST CROSSED IT.
How is it that we have individually and collectively created such a long list of rights and wrongs about how we communicate? Although the stereotype of a New Yorker is that they are rude and distant, this image is only a reflection of our dominant society where we are increasingly putting barriers between “us” and “them”.
Parker Palmer in his book, Healing the Heart of Democracy, invites us to back up and revisit engagement with each other in more life-giving ways. “We are all in this together” is his first habit of the heart. What does this mean if we truly understand that we are interconnected and not separate beings?
People continue to come in and go out, changing the count on the bench at every stop. At this moment, there are three people between me and the woman crying. Stop after stop she continues to cry—the type of tears that seem to come from the depths of one’s soul. Wiping them off with a briskness, she seems to put a stop to them. Yet she continues to cry, quietly and freely, for many more stops.
I begin to watch people watching her. Though not directly, some steal a look and then become even more focused on their own book, newspaper, or music. Eventually, she stops crying.
What vulnerability to cry in this crowed vessel. I find that I am deeply touched by her tears and extraordinary courage to show this depth of emotion on the ordinary subway route. Doesn’t she know about the rules? And yet, how many times have I been so moved and touched, crying from the depth of my soul with those same big, sloppy tears? Plenty, but not on a subway car with 80 other people.
Our stop is next. My daughter gets up, moving skillfully out the door next to our seats. A look of surprise comes across her face when I tell her I am going out the other door. With only a split second before the unforgiving doors close, I gently bend down, and lightly touch the crying woman’s upper arm.
“Many blessings on you,” I whisper to her. Taken off guard, she looks up with a surprised expression. I repeat my words. Time stops with a pause. She smiles a lovely smile, one that I’ll never forget, as she looks deeply into my eyes. “Thank you,” she whispers. Next thing I know I have stepped out as the train door closes behind me.
My daughter is curious why I went out the door farther from our seats. My attempt to explain is mixed now with my own tears. I still can’t say completely what it was, this engagement with this stranger. My tears came down my cheek, as they do as I write this. There is something so deeply touching to be present to someone else—to just be with them in whatever they are experiencing. And that is all I did.
We are all in this together and I am so grateful for these moments when I feel my humanness and connection to others. That’s it—just a simple interaction—breaking the implicit rules of engagement. I am reminded of the phrase from Marge Piercy‘s poem, “The Seven of Pentacles”:
“Weave real connections, create real nodes, build real houses.
Live a life you can endure: Make love that is loving
Keep tangling and interweaving…”
This is a life I can endure—practicing a habit of the heart that brings me back to myself.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Susan Kaplan is a trainer, coach and consultant. She is a Facilitator for the Center for Courage & Renewal and for the Rocky Mountain Compassionate Communication Center, providing personal and professional development and leadership support. She is an Adjunct Professor for the Graduate School of Social Work, University of Denver, teaching community practice and mind-body connections. Check out Susan’s upcoming retreat – Leading From Within: The Gifts of Abundance and Scarcity, August 21-23, 2015 in Denver, Colorado.
The post Bursting the Bubble and Weaving Real Connections appeared first on Center for Courage & Renewal.